FAT BOTTOM GIRLS

Movie critics have always humorously infuriated me. Once in a blue moon they may get it right and the movie they recommend doesn’t wind up sucking huge sweaty donkey balls, but those occasions are few and far between. Typically they praise a turd, and bash a diamond, and usually hold films up to wrong standards (you do not send someone to a horror movie that holds GONE WITH THE WIND on a pedestal, you just don’t). I tend to read them not to make up my mind as to what I’m going to spend money on, but more out of a desire to see just what they’re going to say and if I can spot the ones who shouldn’t have even bothered with viewing outside of their comfort zone.

Then comes February 5, 2012 and Rex Reed made the headlines not so much for his review of the new film IDENTITY THIEF (which I have not seen as of this writing, but plan to) but for what he had to say about the lead actress, Melissa McCarthy. My wife and I watch her every Monday on MIKE & MOLLY and find her to be a positive breath of fresh air in terms of portraying a woman of size in a comedic light. Until that series I had not seen anything else she was in, so going into this article I did some IMDBing of her career and she’s been pretty busy. Granted I haven’t seen anything else that she’s done aside from her role as Molly and Megan in BRIDESMAIDS. I’m left wondering, though, what did she ever do to him to warrant what he faithfully committed to the written word about her?

In one, long drawn out scathing paragraph he referred to Melissa as “cacophonous, tractor-sized”, a “humongous creep” and even stooped so low as to call her a “female hippo”. Clearly he doesn’t know as much as he claims to about her when he then called her a “gimmick comedian who has devoted her short career to being obese and obnoxious with equal success”. Most critics are well aware of an actors’ body of work, but clearly not in this case as she has been acting in film and television since around 1997. I’m no good at math but I do believe that’s about 16 years in the business. The bulk of those years was spent as a series regular on GILMORE GIRLS (something I steered clear of, but apparently earned quite a ton of awards and nominations). And let’s not forget her Emmy for MIKE & MOLLY and even her Academy Award nomination for her scene-stealing character ‘Megan’ in Bridesmaids. See that? ACADEMY AWARD. Clearly she’s done something right in order to even get nominated.

This rant isn’t going to be about me defending a movie which I have or have not seen, or even Melissa for that matter, but ultimately me putting in my two-cents worth of defense for BBWs. Women of all shapes and sizes have enough mental image issues with their size, and us men have never made it easy on them. For the most part we’re the ones who put out magazines with size-0 women and call that ‘sexy’ or ‘beautiful’ or ‘the norm’. We are the producers who 9.99 times out of 10 put a skinny ‘beauty’ in the lead on a television show or a big-screen movie. Men are the ones who have pretty much driven women to the point where they binge and purge or spend thousands of dollars on needless surgeries just to meet some sickening ideal vision of what a woman should look like to please a man.

That is something I’ve never understood. People are not that stupid…wait…yeah they are. It’s like people who drink like fish or smoke like chimneys. They know what the damage is going to be. They’ve seen the results of what such acts do to vital organs and to the body as a whole, and still they subject themselves to such destructive behaviors. The same goes for women who strive to look like what they feel every man alive wants to see. I’m sorry but, to quote and old friend, if while fucking from behind I reach around and wanted to feel ribs then I’d be better of being a Catholic priest. I should feel sorry for these women, but if you’re going to sacrifice your life to attract a man, then you get whatever you got coming to you. No man alive is worth wasting away to nothing.

But sometimes we’re also the ones who paint full-figured women, publish pornographic magazines about them (PLUMPERS was my first go-to spank-mag about them), and even sing songs about them. Be honest, when you’re driving along and ‘Fat Bottom Girls’ comes on, do you or do you not crank the volume up as loud as you can get it and even find yourself singing along? You know you do and don’t bother denying it. Contrary to what the media would have you firmly believe, there is a majority of men worldwide (and growing) who would much rather have a woman with some meat on their bones and opposed to bones. We’re the types who go out of our way to make these women feel good about themselves, no matter how big they are (well…I say that but like everything else in life there are ‘lines’), and show them how much we find them appealing and desirable.

And yes there are those of us who just want to spray them down with nut-sauce, let’s not beat around the bush there.

Rex Reed, the old pedophile-looking creepazoid that he is, is an example of the former type of male, the one who (if he is into women) is bound and determined to set the fight back a few years. Melissa McCarthy has gone on record about how she feels about her size but she’s clearly not letting it get her down. But, apparently Rex makes a career out of sticking his dick in his own ass (he’s also disguises his racism through food references), whether out of a complete and total obliviousness afforded to the senile, or out of some dying need for attention from those he feels he is no longer worthy to be listed alongside. Well, if it’s attention he wants he sure as fuck got it, but not what I am certain he was hoping for. Oh yeah, major kudos go out to Hollywood for coming out in defense of one of your own. Where were you when Whitney needed you, though?

Will he apologize for his choice of words, either to his ‘loyal readers’ or to Melissa? I very seriously doubt it. If he does then it’ll be a goddamn Christmas miracle. But then again why should he? We as men have yet to come together and formally apologize for the damage our ‘vision’ has caused to countless women.